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To Oscar I sent the following:
A complete list of all A-list fighters who will soon be free agents so you and Dickie can get a jumpstart on everybody else, including the promoters who have developed their careers. Naughty boy, that Golden Boy.
As a companion piece -- a gilded, first edition Cliff's Notes: "How To Legally Sign Free Agents"
Pssst. By the way Goldy, you really should remove Diego Corrales from your website page of fighters. He is under contract to Gary Shaw until April 31. Read those Cliff Notes soon, son, you are blowing it.
An autographed set of Tiger Woods Golf Clubs for the office Oscar does most of his business in.
Life-like bobble heads of Ouma, Escobedo and Montiel, with a steel hammer so you can pound them into the ground. And a promise from me that for every can't-miss prospect Golden Boy signs, I will send you a new bobble head. If it was me, I would want them made out of chocolate so I could eat them, such a waste, but to each his own.
A handcrafted, Ralph Lauren drool towel to keep in your corner May 5th whenever Floyd Sr. drools on your back as you beat on his son. Ah, one day I would like to meet this Floyd Sr. A man after my own taste, a father who eats his own.
And finally, for the man who has everything, I have already contracted for you with UNLV to show your fight on closed circuit TV in their 40,000 seat arena. Very, very smart of you and Dickie, to have Golden Boy, HBO and corporate sponsors to pre-order 12,000 seats at the 16,000 seat MGM Grand arena. My over-developed sense of smell caught a whiff of that and knew, by leaving only 4,000 seats for the riff-raff, you could create a public demand for a closed-circuit bonanza.
To Floyd I sent the following:
Tapes made by Larry Merchant, and several other industry people proclaiming how great you are, so you don't always have to do it yourself.
My all-new Play Station fight game, "Family Feud." No instructions needed.
A 14-carat gold Duck to commemorate yet another year in which you managed to make millions without facing any opponent who might beat you.
A museum-mounted photo of you crying on Kerry Davis' shoulder after the Baldomir fight. It was your finest act.
A Dan Goosen doll with multiple moveable parts. Clever boy. Who else could you have signed with that you could manipulate at will.
And of course, the one thing you lack, despite your charming personality and great talent, Fans.
Merry Christmas to all my fans and future dinner companions.
H. Annibal Lecter, Ph.d
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